| | "Taking my own advice, I'm giving up tonight."
With the summer officially here, I now have the liberty to catch up with the rest of my life. However, somewhere along the way, I've sort of lost track of what the rest of my life actually is. I remember a few things here and there, but for the most part, it's seems like a big jumbled cloud. "No matter," I thought to myself. "This gives me a fresh start to catching up with what I want my life to be." After all, why should one try to catch up with what the unlearned past has formed when presented with the opportunity to create a purposeful future?
I was on a mission. I opened up my laptop, double-clicked on the Microsoft Word icon, and I started typing away. I typed everything. I imagined a limitless future. I created what I felt was an idyllic future for me. I even made milestones that served as indicators that I was achieving the greatest things I could ever imagine. Quite often, I was reminded of past mistakes and lost possibilities. I was burdened with how my previous track record was not in line with whatever it is I was writing. But I was determined to not let such things stop me. I shunned all forms of doubt, and I aimed for the edge of the universe.
After a few nights, I felt that I was finished. My mind was empty and there was no longer anything there for me to imagine, desire, or want. It was all put on this document. Excited, I started to read what I wrote so that I could take a step back and look at the big picture of it all.
I read it once. I then re-read it very slowly. Hmmm...a few more times and my conclusion was clear...
This isn't me.
All the details I wrote, all the individual parts...I could say that those things were me. But after putting it all together, it somehow became a blank slate. It's as if the tiles of a mosaic were jumbled. I couldn't recognize what was there.
I'm finding that, in order to create a purposeful future, one cannot ignore the past. One's past -- no matter how wonderful or regretful -- carries with it an undeniable character that somehow reflects a greater purpose. Ignore that past, and you'll ignore that purpose. I think this is the mistake I made.
I regard many glimpses of my past as hinderances of my future. For me, thoughts about the past are quite dangerous. It easily takes me on a downward spiral, and in the end, I feel quite hopeless. That's the fine line that is walked along the fence of self-reflection. If I stay on top, then I miraculously weave the progress of my past into the promise of my future. But if I fall, then I get locked into the cycle of reverting back to my past.
Hmmm...that may quite possibly be my greatest fear: living a life that reverts back to my past. If I live life that way, then I miss out on all purpose and end up giving up on the call to something greater than what I could imagine for myself.
If I had one wish granted today, it would be:
A peace of mind.
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| | Posted 7/25/2008 5:47 PM - 32 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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