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| And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I think Dido's "White Flag" is my favorite music video. The song is awesome, the story in the video completely matches the lyrics, the cinematography syncs with the mood, and it was perfectly casted with Angel's David Boreanaz. I don't know how to post videos on Xanga, so here's the link instead: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=NMB4xtnFlvo
If I had one wish granted today, it would be:
To not get into the habit of detachment.
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| "Taking my own advice, I'm giving up tonight."
With the summer officially here, I now have the liberty to catch up with the rest of my life. However, somewhere along the way, I've sort of lost track of what the rest of my life actually is. I remember a few things here and there, but for the most part, it's seems like a big jumbled cloud. "No matter," I thought to myself. "This gives me a fresh start to catching up with what I want my life to be." After all, why should one try to catch up with what the unlearned past has formed when presented with the opportunity to create a purposeful future?
I was on a mission. I opened up my laptop, double-clicked on the Microsoft Word icon, and I started typing away. I typed everything. I imagined a limitless future. I created what I felt was an idyllic future for me. I even made milestones that served as indicators that I was achieving the greatest things I could ever imagine. Quite often, I was reminded of past mistakes and lost possibilities. I was burdened with how my previous track record was not in line with whatever it is I was writing. But I was determined to not let such things stop me. I shunned all forms of doubt, and I aimed for the edge of the universe.
After a few nights, I felt that I was finished. My mind was empty and there was no longer anything there for me to imagine, desire, or want. It was all put on this document. Excited, I started to read what I wrote so that I could take a step back and look at the big picture of it all.
I read it once. I then re-read it very slowly. Hmmm...a few more times and my conclusion was clear...
This isn't me.
All the details I wrote, all the individual parts...I could say that those things were me. But after putting it all together, it somehow became a blank slate. It's as if the tiles of a mosaic were jumbled. I couldn't recognize what was there.
I'm finding that, in order to create a purposeful future, one cannot ignore the past. One's past -- no matter how wonderful or regretful -- carries with it an undeniable character that somehow reflects a greater purpose. Ignore that past, and you'll ignore that purpose. I think this is the mistake I made.
I regard many glimpses of my past as hinderances of my future. For me, thoughts about the past are quite dangerous. It easily takes me on a downward spiral, and in the end, I feel quite hopeless. That's the fine line that is walked along the fence of self-reflection. If I stay on top, then I miraculously weave the progress of my past into the promise of my future. But if I fall, then I get locked into the cycle of reverting back to my past.
Hmmm...that may quite possibly be my greatest fear: living a life that reverts back to my past. If I live life that way, then I miss out on all purpose and end up giving up on the call to something greater than what I could imagine for myself.
If I had one wish granted today, it would be:
A peace of mind.
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| "The older we get, the more we define ourselves by the things we haven’t accomplished."
This is a quote from my friend's blog. It made me stop to think about my current perspective, so I thought I'd post it here.
If I had one wish granted today, it would be:
Prophetic optimism.
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| Instead of asking things out of life, I should be making things out of life. After all, life really is the longest form of art, and masterpieces are made, not given.
So it's been over a year since I wrote in my Xanga. At the time, in addition to anonymously contributing to a blogging project, I was bogged down by studying for my comprehensive exams for my DrPH, and since then things just haven't let up. Unfortunately, that's the road of life, and in my life I rarely ever down-shift. But even the greenest of hybrids must fuel up, and so while the gas is pumping, I feel its important to peek at the odometer and track your mileage. I'm hoping that Xanga will be just that.
More importantly, I find it increasingly important to constantly remind myself of the good that has blessed my life. I hate to admit it, but growing up is a depressing process, and if it weren't for the sunshine of memories, the future would carry a looming overcast.
Anyhow, true to the bi2ian007 xanga-entry format, I shall end this one with yet another wish:
If I had one wish granted today, it would be:
More vacation and less escape.
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| "I'm laughable. I'm a lonely joke."
-- Bruno Podalydes, from "Paris, Je T'aime" (Montmatre)
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